I've tried to type out a proper blog post for months giving an organised look at my progress in university life but I usually get frustrated in the midst of typing and I just ended up reblogging stuff on tumblr. I've come to the conclusion that I just don't blog like a regular person that is capable of effectively organising their thoughts into a single post and talk about the wonderful, positive steps their taking in ridding themselves of their negativity.I have come to the conclusion that I'm generally very disorganised and that is when I am at my best/worst (it's sort of like a double edged-sword thing, idk), so I'm typing this out in that way so here it goes.
I'm a mess, I'm frustrated, impatient and very angry of my current situation. And no, I am not taking the proper steps in handling this. I don't want to, because I'm stuck in my state of imagination and ideal-ness inside my head and my ipod is my portal to that world (meta much? god...). This life I imagined in my head for some reason is stopping me for doing what's right for myself, it's preventing me from properly living because I know whatever I do, I can never meet the desires and expectations I've built up in my mind and I hate myself for that. I mean I don't want to die but I don't want to live either. I guess I just want to be in some sort of stagnant existence I guess....Just do the things I'm suppose to do in life (get a degree, have a job, keep hygenic, idk...) while I keep on building higher and more ridiculous fantasy hypothetical situations for myself. My mum has asked about the contents of these fantasies I keep having but I feel embarrassed and choose not to talk about it with her because their fucking ridiculous.
It's funny too, because I have these ideas and expectations for myself that I don't actually have any desire to truly fulfil. Like for instance I've always wanted to learn how to play guitar but I never really had the motivation and patience for it. I hear all these artists being self-taught and I tell myself "I can do that!"but I just give up because I became impatient. But in my head I swear, I'm some kind of multi-instrumentalist prodigy goddess in the greatest rock band to ever live...
I've only decided to type this out now because today's the first day of the second semester and I've gotten to realise how distant I am with what's actually going on. Then I went to go see the counsellor and that really made me nervous because I was doing my best to not say so much so I don't end up crying. I was really dying to tell her that I was really unhappy of the programme I'm in and reconsidering about leaving but in doing that I would've ended up crying so I didn't.... I went to the library and I just couldn't hold it in anymore so here I am in the third floor library toilet typing this out blaring The Essential Backstreet Boys to comfort me.
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| So yeah.... |
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