Nothing here to see, Just a kid like me, Trying to cut some teeth, Trying to figure it out

Have you ever had a very weird, slightly dark, sneaking suspicion about somebody? Especially about somebody you know? Like a seemingly illogical, hypothetical situation they're supposedly going through but when you put certain things together that it might be true?

Or am I just being the paranoid, anxiety ridden kid that I always am?

Aida
P.S
I stole that gif off of tumblr and I apologise for doing that...

But we're alright though

   These last couple of weeks have been a heavy one and I've been feeling a ton of emotions about it, I won't go deep into it but basically there's been a lot of tension within the family household and I've unfortunately landed right in the middle acting as messenger for two sides. One side has been dependent on me a lot to get to the other but the other side, not really much. I admit, I was and still am feeling guilty for emitting such emotions especially since it was Ramadhan and these are the kind of emotions you're not expected to feel during that month. I'm always honest when typing out my entries and I ain't stopping now when I say I've never had the urge to go back to school like I do now. I'd rather much be worrying about my lousy assignment productivity at this point. Again, this could be also because I've been seriously lacking on my religious duties to the point that I'm probably agnostic(?). But that part of my life I'll figure it out on my own, thank you very much.

   So today, I went out and impulsively decided that I was going to get an overpriced journal where I would exclusively use it to vent out my emotions on a daily basis so I could keep myself in check and I don't end up going crazy by the end of the year. I even made a minimalist aesthetic flatlay based around it:

Also on my instagram and tumblr

I've appointed the journal and macbook as my safe haven for my emotions where it would have the least amount of impact on other people. I would be turning to these two as I can't really turn to others at this point in time. I'm also secretly real proud of myself for taking that photo, here's another one!:

  I guess that's all for now :/ toodaloo!

Aida

Permanent Vacation

Hello to the empty void!

   It's been a while since I've blogged and I simply have no other excuse but I simply grew lazy and unmotivated especially with uni and all. An update on my life, I'm currently somehow still stuck in this endless rut over what I really want to do (or should do) with my education and my life in general but I'm currently on summer vacation so I guess I'm on a break from it? My grades are due to come out on the 24th and honestly I'm not even sure if I should bother caring about it because the entire thing was really just a whole new level of half-assed effort. I made the choice to continue on with my current university and course mainly because I really have no idea where else to go. It's scary and bleak in the way I've just put my situation in but for some strange reason, I have a strange sense of hope that I am able to make it through this, that I would find the desire to achieve and be ambitious and strive again. 

May Allah provide me with that hope

Hoping against hope,
Aida :)

P.S
I kind of want to do a mini editorial of myself wearing all the stuff I bought while I was in Bandung but my camera is broken and I don't want to tell my dad that it is and I don't have enough of my own money to get it fixed so....to be continued

She wants to dance like Uma Thurman

Hello non-existent reader,
  I've tried to type out a proper blog post for months giving an organised look at my progress in university life but I usually get frustrated in the midst of typing and I just ended up reblogging stuff on tumblr. I've come to the conclusion that I just don't blog like a regular person that is capable of effectively organising their thoughts into a single post and talk about the wonderful, positive steps their taking in ridding themselves of their negativity.I have come to the conclusion that I'm generally very disorganised and that is when I am at my best/worst (it's sort of like a double edged-sword thing, idk), so I'm typing this out in that way so here it goes.

    I'm a mess, I'm frustrated, impatient and very angry of my current situation. And no, I am not taking the proper steps in handling this. I don't want to, because I'm stuck in my state of imagination and ideal-ness inside my head and my ipod is my portal to that world (meta much? god...). This life I imagined in my head for some reason is stopping me for doing what's right for myself, it's preventing me from properly living because I know whatever I do, I can never meet the desires and expectations I've built up in my mind and I hate myself for that. I mean I don't want to die but I don't want to live either. I guess I just want to be in some sort of stagnant existence I guess....Just do the things I'm suppose to do in life (get a degree, have a job, keep hygenic, idk...) while I keep on building higher and more ridiculous fantasy hypothetical situations for myself. My mum has asked about the contents of these fantasies I keep having but I feel embarrassed and choose not to talk about it with her because their fucking ridiculous. 
    It's funny too, because I have these ideas and expectations for myself that I don't actually have any desire to truly fulfil. Like for instance I've always wanted to learn how to play guitar but I never really had the motivation and patience for it. I hear all these artists being self-taught and I tell myself "I can do that!"but I just give up because I became impatient. But in my head I swear, I'm some kind of multi-instrumentalist prodigy goddess in the greatest rock band to ever live...
  I've only decided to type this out now because today's the first day of the second semester and I've gotten to realise how distant I am with what's actually going on. Then I went to go see the counsellor and that really made me nervous because I was doing my best to not say so much so I don't end up crying. I was really dying to tell her that I was really unhappy of the programme I'm in and reconsidering about leaving but in doing that I would've ended up crying so I didn't.... I went to the library and I just couldn't hold it in anymore so here I am in the third floor library toilet typing this out blaring The Essential Backstreet Boys to comfort me.

So yeah....

I miss the misery

    Hello phantom reader,
  I know it's been a really long while since I've done a proper blog post and let me just explain to you why. The months before starting university, my family and I were hit with an obstacle..a huge one actually that definitely affected us for good. Finances had to be organized, certain personal logistics had to be settled, the whole nine yards. But I'm not going to tell you guys about that since it's a family thing and I alone don't have the rights to make the decision to tell you all about it so we'll leave it at that. I've told you guys this just to inform you my absence in those two months. It's the months that came after that was the reason I wanted to blog today....

    So I began university around the middle of September. I live in my own personal hostel room, my own bathroom everything's great. Lecturers are great, class schedule is very relaxed, students don't haze you so as you can tell everything there seems wonderful......on the outside. The truth is I can't help myself but feel so upset and frustrated everyday when I'm at uni because I feel like a total dumbass. Everytime when I'm in class I'm always looking at the time waiting for it to be over, I give up trying to understand anything being taught during, and at times I catch myself having miniature panic attacks because I realized that I gave up trying to make sense of what's happening.

   I hate it that I feel this way, isn't it suppose to be different? I made the conscious decision to do this course, I was convinced that I was going to love being here and learn more out of it. But only about 5 weeks in, I find myself just feeling down all the time, I wait for the weekends just so I could go home and get away from it all. It sucks because I don't know so much and I have no energy to actually go find out whatever it is that I don't know! I mean, I go to the library and try to do notes and read the books but nothing's really getting into my head. I always tell myself that I'm gonna do some extra work after class but I just end up going back to my room  and sleep because I just want to escape it all. Furthermore, it also doesn't help that most of my course mates were diligent A-level students who know much more than I do. Oh, and I'm finding myself to be more uncomfortable in my skin now. I tend to stutter in conversations and I feel uncomfortable at times sitting next to people in class.
  My spiritual faith is greatly weakened as well. My prayers have been so few as of late. I'm doing my very best to catch up with them but all these thoughts just made me into more of a sloth than I already am.
  I'm currently taking an optional subject that's under the school of english and education and they seem to be doing the most wonderful subject modules that seem to reflect my own personal interests more than the subjects i'm doing now. I've had thoughts about possibly changing course but really? Change it? It's so much trouble though, I can't just go up to my parents and tell them I'm not happy about my choice, IT WAS MY CHOICE!! They didn't force me into anything. I wanted to be here doing this degree. It's not like I'm in Engineering or Biomedicine. I've already payed for the entire first year pulak tu! I don't want to tell my parents about this because I think I've finally convinced them that I'm somewhat happy where I am today. Like they won't question me any further if I answer them "it's alright/okay" every time they ask me how I'm doing at school. Thus to me, that's like the best thing you could ever give a parent, the knowledge of your child being happy and well in something, and I'm not going to jeopardise that.
  There's nothing wrong with my lecturers, they are as capable as my teachers back at CPU. It's just me.... Depressed is a strong word but... I'm in a situation if someone were to come up to me and told me to put my chin up and pull myself together, I would actually muster up all the anger in my body and push that person off a balcony of a high rise building. It's not that easy to pull it all together and say to myself "syaitan is influencing me, I must fight their influence!" (which is totally something my mum would say by the way).
   Hence, let me conclude that my long absence was due to me feeling all of these things and trying to deal or suppress them. I'm trying to be more positive about it. I don't want to give up just yet. So as a first measure, I'm going to link this post to my tumblr page, hopefully attract the attention of people who have gone through something similar and possibly get their feedback and advice on it. I know doing this might possibly attract some hate from certain users but I'm willing to risk that as long as there are those few out there who would like to help :)
Aida
P.S
If you are my friend or an acquaintance that I have had the pleasure of knowing in the real world, I ask you to avoid bringing this up in the future. I'm currently having a difficult time trying to express this and I'm afraid that if we were to talk about this, it will leave the both of us feeling deeply uncomfortable and I might possibly cry. I don't want to ruin our conversational experience, I promise you (If you'd like) that I'll talk about this once I'm ready.

Hospital snapshots

Clint Eastwood ( a.k.a Graduation Day Post!!)

Will you look at that? Looks like I am rajin after all! Okay, so where do I start??

 So the ceremony technically started at 2pm but graduates were suppose to be there at about 11 am for briefings and photo ops. Seeing that it was a typical, humid and hot Malaysian day, I came rushing into the "prep" hall sweating and panting for breath. Thank god I wasn't in my grad gear yet but I wasn't necessarily in my best state of self so getting ready was quite a challenge. After getting ready, it finally came the time for personal photo sessions with friends and fellow graduates :)

With my pink Samsung NX 1000 in hand, I was ready to rock and roll, I just needed a friend to take my photos with..

Left;Najwa Shaiful, Middle:Sabrina Lokman, Right: Aida and her chubby ass arms...

Here we have a couple of my (*scholar) friends (I didn't have the opportunity to take pictures with all of them sadly, :'( ). I didn't really bond with them during my first semester here but thanks to the trials and tribulations of Calculus class, I had the opportunity to share a lot of memories with them. Fun fact, if the valedictorian nominations were based on the individual's actual grade instead of students votes, Sabrina would have been the chosen one because that girl is smart and hardworking as hell!! Not that I resent the chosen valedictorian. He gave a wonderful speech :3 Okay, siapa lagi?

Alright, double mais sensation! Who knew I would end up bumping into her in little old CPU?? But seriously though, how wonderful it was to have her care free no holds bar, chirpy attitude going around in that CPU building. This lovely lady whom I have had the pleasure of knowing for almost 6 years  (since sekolah menengah okay!!!) never fails to light up a room and get people talking <3 p="">

  Then it was finally 2 pm.... We were escorted to the big hall where the official ceremony were to take place. 

Sorrylah, these 3 photos were taken by my dad after I passed it to him. He had no idea on how my camera worked so most of the photos he took were pretty blurry....

So a few speeches here, a couple of special awards there, it was finally time to go get that diploma!!!

Look at me all awkward and nervous on that stage!!!Haha

After all the diplomas were given out,  there was this final candlelight vigil ceremony ( a sort of metaphorical "passing of the knowledge" ceremony of sorts) but really it was just for the purposes of a good photo op so.... again, sorry for the blurry photos, my dad has no idea how to use my camera. Then came for more personal photo sessions!

"Attack of the Giant Flower Bouquet!" My photo op with the mummies who if not for her constant encouragement, I would possibly not have graduated CPU..

"hehe! sangat excites!" The man who reluctantly obliges to my every whim (but with conditions of course). My 24:Live another day and Game of Thrones buddy :D. The parent that people say I resemble the most :P

Then came this Singaporean sunshine! This Kpop lover who I'm happy to call her my friend. The one who I constantly talk to during my second semester here and always has something to be excited about. There's just something within this cutie pie soul that makes me wanna share everything with her. If you (Uswah Mansor) happen to stumblr upon this blog in the near future, I wish you the best (like really the best) of luck in your future and I know I've probably said this a thousand times, I'm really glad I was able to make friends with you this semester :,D

Then there's Harshini Jega. The legend, the sista with all the sass knowledge that could last you a lifetime. She and I took chemistry last semester and had the opportunity to be in the same Biology and Social Science class this year! Nothing is too explicit for this girl (I mean, what do you expect? She's friends with Mais). Her humour and hard work has always motivated me to do better during my time here in CPU and I'm 100% confident she'll be successful in university!

Another Sapura friend! Ida was the first person I recognised coming here to CPU and she helped me out a lot in making sure my first few days here were bearable. This gentle little soul always has the desire to pursue great things in life but at the same time go hang with le friends. Didn't get to spend much time with her this semester but I don't love her any less. Can't believe I've known another person for 6 years! All I can say is.... keep it classy Ida B) and keep in contact! :D

This is Abhi, we shared and english class last year and is technically my tumblr buddy. The individual who gets my damaged , tumblr-polluted soul. The one who has a great understanding towards my weird sense of humour and was more than happy in welcoming me to the number of fandoms she already is a part of.

This Kazakhstani beauty is Amina! (look at her, my gawd she's gorgeous!) We shared a lot of our Advanced Functions and Calculus woes with each other. She's blunt as hell and I love her for that! She's like the very first friend I made at CPU! I had no idea she was from Kazakhstan which made things a little more awkward during that first conversation. But I'm glad she stuck with me throughout this whole time. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I think that's about it, I'll post a few more photos (that are decent) on this post just so you (fellow phantom reader) can have a feel of things on that day: