Permanent Vacation

Hello to the empty void!

   It's been a while since I've blogged and I simply have no other excuse but I simply grew lazy and unmotivated especially with uni and all. An update on my life, I'm currently somehow still stuck in this endless rut over what I really want to do (or should do) with my education and my life in general but I'm currently on summer vacation so I guess I'm on a break from it? My grades are due to come out on the 24th and honestly I'm not even sure if I should bother caring about it because the entire thing was really just a whole new level of half-assed effort. I made the choice to continue on with my current university and course mainly because I really have no idea where else to go. It's scary and bleak in the way I've just put my situation in but for some strange reason, I have a strange sense of hope that I am able to make it through this, that I would find the desire to achieve and be ambitious and strive again. 

May Allah provide me with that hope

Hoping against hope,
Aida :)

P.S
I kind of want to do a mini editorial of myself wearing all the stuff I bought while I was in Bandung but my camera is broken and I don't want to tell my dad that it is and I don't have enough of my own money to get it fixed so....to be continued

I miss the misery

    Hello phantom reader,
  I know it's been a really long while since I've done a proper blog post and let me just explain to you why. The months before starting university, my family and I were hit with an obstacle..a huge one actually that definitely affected us for good. Finances had to be organized, certain personal logistics had to be settled, the whole nine yards. But I'm not going to tell you guys about that since it's a family thing and I alone don't have the rights to make the decision to tell you all about it so we'll leave it at that. I've told you guys this just to inform you my absence in those two months. It's the months that came after that was the reason I wanted to blog today....

    So I began university around the middle of September. I live in my own personal hostel room, my own bathroom everything's great. Lecturers are great, class schedule is very relaxed, students don't haze you so as you can tell everything there seems wonderful......on the outside. The truth is I can't help myself but feel so upset and frustrated everyday when I'm at uni because I feel like a total dumbass. Everytime when I'm in class I'm always looking at the time waiting for it to be over, I give up trying to understand anything being taught during, and at times I catch myself having miniature panic attacks because I realized that I gave up trying to make sense of what's happening.

   I hate it that I feel this way, isn't it suppose to be different? I made the conscious decision to do this course, I was convinced that I was going to love being here and learn more out of it. But only about 5 weeks in, I find myself just feeling down all the time, I wait for the weekends just so I could go home and get away from it all. It sucks because I don't know so much and I have no energy to actually go find out whatever it is that I don't know! I mean, I go to the library and try to do notes and read the books but nothing's really getting into my head. I always tell myself that I'm gonna do some extra work after class but I just end up going back to my room  and sleep because I just want to escape it all. Furthermore, it also doesn't help that most of my course mates were diligent A-level students who know much more than I do. Oh, and I'm finding myself to be more uncomfortable in my skin now. I tend to stutter in conversations and I feel uncomfortable at times sitting next to people in class.
  My spiritual faith is greatly weakened as well. My prayers have been so few as of late. I'm doing my very best to catch up with them but all these thoughts just made me into more of a sloth than I already am.
  I'm currently taking an optional subject that's under the school of english and education and they seem to be doing the most wonderful subject modules that seem to reflect my own personal interests more than the subjects i'm doing now. I've had thoughts about possibly changing course but really? Change it? It's so much trouble though, I can't just go up to my parents and tell them I'm not happy about my choice, IT WAS MY CHOICE!! They didn't force me into anything. I wanted to be here doing this degree. It's not like I'm in Engineering or Biomedicine. I've already payed for the entire first year pulak tu! I don't want to tell my parents about this because I think I've finally convinced them that I'm somewhat happy where I am today. Like they won't question me any further if I answer them "it's alright/okay" every time they ask me how I'm doing at school. Thus to me, that's like the best thing you could ever give a parent, the knowledge of your child being happy and well in something, and I'm not going to jeopardise that.
  There's nothing wrong with my lecturers, they are as capable as my teachers back at CPU. It's just me.... Depressed is a strong word but... I'm in a situation if someone were to come up to me and told me to put my chin up and pull myself together, I would actually muster up all the anger in my body and push that person off a balcony of a high rise building. It's not that easy to pull it all together and say to myself "syaitan is influencing me, I must fight their influence!" (which is totally something my mum would say by the way).
   Hence, let me conclude that my long absence was due to me feeling all of these things and trying to deal or suppress them. I'm trying to be more positive about it. I don't want to give up just yet. So as a first measure, I'm going to link this post to my tumblr page, hopefully attract the attention of people who have gone through something similar and possibly get their feedback and advice on it. I know doing this might possibly attract some hate from certain users but I'm willing to risk that as long as there are those few out there who would like to help :)
Aida
P.S
If you are my friend or an acquaintance that I have had the pleasure of knowing in the real world, I ask you to avoid bringing this up in the future. I'm currently having a difficult time trying to express this and I'm afraid that if we were to talk about this, it will leave the both of us feeling deeply uncomfortable and I might possibly cry. I don't want to ruin our conversational experience, I promise you (If you'd like) that I'll talk about this once I'm ready.

Fury oh fury

With graduation passed, it has officially come to that time feared by many fickle and hypocritical young people....

That's right, University applications....

    To be quite honest with you, I should have been applying to universities way before I graduated (which I already have.....but only to one university......reply for that application is pending). My mum presented to me the idea of directly studying overseas instead of doing a twinning programme which I think is a great opportunity but then again, there's the whole financial issue. Furthermore, the fact that I have intentions to do psychology doesn't really help since there isn't a lucrative career coming out of it, especially here in Malaysia. I have a feeling that my dad wanted me to do audiology since there are a couple of national universities here that offer that major. There are two major problems with that;

1. I have a 12th grade qualification that is from a private institution.

2.  My 12th grade qualification is technically non-existent in the world of public universities

     -what do I mean?

     -    Public uni's do accept some form of international qualification (A-levels, AUSMAT etc.) but they have no idea that one is able to obtain an Ontario Secondary School Diploma here, hence they have no clue in what the programme actually consists of.

And out of my own personal reasons (*which I will not state here), I don't really want to go to a public university here................. It scares me a lot of the kind of money we put in for tertiary education. The sacrifices we have to make, the debts we have to pay (both financially and personally) while at the same time going into a future where there might not even be a job for us anymore. I keep telling myself that there are already too many people pursuing a major for the sake of a job and I should instead pursue the kind of university major in hopes that I would end up doing what I love instead. But there are too many holes in that logic and there would be a higher possibility of me regretting everything in the end because my qualifications would render me unemployable.... I'm attempting to be positive about my prospects but it's really difficult. My dad is constantly asking me what's my proper future plans once I finish my undergraduate and I said I would hope to continue with a masters but that plan is not exactly......full proof. Moreover, that plan requires more money! That really bugs me a lot and it also doesn't help that your father keeps bringing it up. It's definitely true and important that I come up with a full proof plan and there are those times where I would think it would be easier if I just throw my hands up to my dad and tell him I'm pursuing a medical degree, but based on my personal experiences in handling high pressure situations, I'll fail miserably in that aspect. To add, based on my parent's personal experiences, architecture isn't really a career to be happy about right now. I think if you (fellow phantom reader) have read my previous posts (from like, I don't know, 2 years ago???) my beloved parents (particularly my mum in this case) haven't been technically happy with where they are for a really long time. *Takes a deep breath* Okay, that's all I have to vent for now... I really hope that I would figure something out before it's too late. 

Please don't be discouraged by my post, I'm sure there's a plan out there for everyone.

Thanks for reading ;)

aida

P.S

To any of you who are actually reading this and have a good idea on how a MARA loan works, please, for the love of god please explain it to me in the comments!!! Okay bye :3

Dance In The Graveyard

 Good morning and happy Friday!

     I have about an hour until I have to get ready for school so I thought might as well start blogging a little bit after so long.
     May would be my last month of learning at CPU and in June I go into my Finals, then graduate. Time has gone by so fast this past year and I can't believe that I'll be starting actual university soon! I'm not planning to overseas in order to loosen my parents' burden a little (but only by a ver small margin) and decided to do my degree locally. I had intentions on going to a national university (USM, UM, UKM etc.) but I decided against it since I really didn't have the desire to do the kind of degree I planned for if I ever ended up going there (*audiology).
    I'm actually not ready to leave Pre-U yet mainly because I just have no idea where to go.... I do express some regret over not applying to a university overseas but I really think that right now is not a good time to do that (or maybe it's just my subconscious desire to ever not leave home???). Another reason why I'm not ready to leave yet is because I'm having such a wonderful time at CPU, I just think that 1 year is not enough. So I advise you future CPU students to take more then 2 semesters if possible. Despite having sent much longer time in primary and secondary school, I can't help but think that out of all my recent education experience, I'll be cherishing this one the most. Teachers here are so wonderful and different and students in general are more respectable and tolerable to each other. Although the assignments here are significantly heavier, it is greatly appreciated and all of my handwork going into it actually has some proper value for once. I know that I won't have an educational experience as good as this for at least the next 3 years of my life, but I hope I would be proven wrong. Which is why I'm having such a difficult time choosing the right university at the time being. Apart from that, I have a lot of other rings to consider like tuition fees and if I should stay at a dorm and if I should consider doing a twinning programme and etc.
   But regardless, I generally just hope that I would end up happy in life despite of the amount of money I end up making. I don't mind if I end up married (with kids or no kids) or if I end up alone. I just want to be satisfied with all that I have and truly cherish it. I guess that was the main thing I learned being at CPU and I thank Allah SWT everyday that I did. :)
Aida