I know it's been a really long while since I've done a proper blog post and let me just explain to you why. The months before starting university, my family and I were hit with an obstacle..a huge one actually that definitely affected us for good. Finances had to be organized, certain personal logistics had to be settled, the whole nine yards. But I'm not going to tell you guys about that since it's a family thing and I alone don't have the rights to make the decision to tell you all about it so we'll leave it at that. I've told you guys this just to inform you my absence in those two months. It's the months that came after that was the reason I wanted to blog today....
So I began university around the middle of September. I live in my own personal hostel room, my own bathroom everything's great. Lecturers are great, class schedule is very relaxed, students don't haze you so as you can tell everything there seems wonderful......on the outside. The truth is I can't help myself but feel so upset and frustrated everyday when I'm at uni because I feel like a total dumbass. Everytime when I'm in class I'm always looking at the time waiting for it to be over, I give up trying to understand anything being taught during, and at times I catch myself having miniature panic attacks because I realized that I gave up trying to make sense of what's happening.
I hate it that I feel this way, isn't it suppose to be different? I made the conscious decision to do this course, I was convinced that I was going to love being here and learn more out of it. But only about 5 weeks in, I find myself just feeling down all the time, I wait for the weekends just so I could go home and get away from it all. It sucks because I don't know so much and I have no energy to actually go find out whatever it is that I don't know! I mean, I go to the library and try to do notes and read the books but nothing's really getting into my head. I always tell myself that I'm gonna do some extra work after class but I just end up going back to my room and sleep because I just want to escape it all. Furthermore, it also doesn't help that most of my course mates were diligent A-level students who know much more than I do. Oh, and I'm finding myself to be more uncomfortable in my skin now. I tend to stutter in conversations and I feel uncomfortable at times sitting next to people in class.
My spiritual faith is greatly weakened as well. My prayers have been so few as of late. I'm doing my very best to catch up with them but all these thoughts just made me into more of a sloth than I already am.
I'm currently taking an optional subject that's under the school of english and education and they seem to be doing the most wonderful subject modules that seem to reflect my own personal interests more than the subjects i'm doing now. I've had thoughts about possibly changing course but really? Change it? It's so much trouble though, I can't just go up to my parents and tell them I'm not happy about my choice, IT WAS MY CHOICE!! They didn't force me into anything. I wanted to be here doing this degree. It's not like I'm in Engineering or Biomedicine. I've already payed for the entire first year pulak tu! I don't want to tell my parents about this because I think I've finally convinced them that I'm somewhat happy where I am today. Like they won't question me any further if I answer them "it's alright/okay" every time they ask me how I'm doing at school. Thus to me, that's like the best thing you could ever give a parent, the knowledge of your child being happy and well in something, and I'm not going to jeopardise that.
There's nothing wrong with my lecturers, they are as capable as my teachers back at CPU. It's just me....
Hence, let me conclude that my long absence was due to me feeling all of these things and trying to deal or suppress them. I'm trying to be more positive about it. I don't want to give up just yet. So as a first measure, I'm going to link this post to my tumblr page, hopefully attract the attention of people who have gone through something similar and possibly get their feedback and advice on it. I know doing this might possibly attract some hate from certain users but I'm willing to risk that as long as there are those few out there who would like to help :)
Aida
P.S
If you are my friend or an acquaintance that I have had the pleasure of knowing in the real world, I ask you to avoid bringing this up in the future. I'm currently having a difficult time trying to express this and I'm afraid that if we were to talk about this, it will leave the both of us feeling deeply uncomfortable and I might possibly cry. I don't want to ruin our conversational experience, I promise you (If you'd like) that I'll talk about this once I'm ready.
