I miss the misery

    Hello phantom reader,
  I know it's been a really long while since I've done a proper blog post and let me just explain to you why. The months before starting university, my family and I were hit with an obstacle..a huge one actually that definitely affected us for good. Finances had to be organized, certain personal logistics had to be settled, the whole nine yards. But I'm not going to tell you guys about that since it's a family thing and I alone don't have the rights to make the decision to tell you all about it so we'll leave it at that. I've told you guys this just to inform you my absence in those two months. It's the months that came after that was the reason I wanted to blog today....

    So I began university around the middle of September. I live in my own personal hostel room, my own bathroom everything's great. Lecturers are great, class schedule is very relaxed, students don't haze you so as you can tell everything there seems wonderful......on the outside. The truth is I can't help myself but feel so upset and frustrated everyday when I'm at uni because I feel like a total dumbass. Everytime when I'm in class I'm always looking at the time waiting for it to be over, I give up trying to understand anything being taught during, and at times I catch myself having miniature panic attacks because I realized that I gave up trying to make sense of what's happening.

   I hate it that I feel this way, isn't it suppose to be different? I made the conscious decision to do this course, I was convinced that I was going to love being here and learn more out of it. But only about 5 weeks in, I find myself just feeling down all the time, I wait for the weekends just so I could go home and get away from it all. It sucks because I don't know so much and I have no energy to actually go find out whatever it is that I don't know! I mean, I go to the library and try to do notes and read the books but nothing's really getting into my head. I always tell myself that I'm gonna do some extra work after class but I just end up going back to my room  and sleep because I just want to escape it all. Furthermore, it also doesn't help that most of my course mates were diligent A-level students who know much more than I do. Oh, and I'm finding myself to be more uncomfortable in my skin now. I tend to stutter in conversations and I feel uncomfortable at times sitting next to people in class.
  My spiritual faith is greatly weakened as well. My prayers have been so few as of late. I'm doing my very best to catch up with them but all these thoughts just made me into more of a sloth than I already am.
  I'm currently taking an optional subject that's under the school of english and education and they seem to be doing the most wonderful subject modules that seem to reflect my own personal interests more than the subjects i'm doing now. I've had thoughts about possibly changing course but really? Change it? It's so much trouble though, I can't just go up to my parents and tell them I'm not happy about my choice, IT WAS MY CHOICE!! They didn't force me into anything. I wanted to be here doing this degree. It's not like I'm in Engineering or Biomedicine. I've already payed for the entire first year pulak tu! I don't want to tell my parents about this because I think I've finally convinced them that I'm somewhat happy where I am today. Like they won't question me any further if I answer them "it's alright/okay" every time they ask me how I'm doing at school. Thus to me, that's like the best thing you could ever give a parent, the knowledge of your child being happy and well in something, and I'm not going to jeopardise that.
  There's nothing wrong with my lecturers, they are as capable as my teachers back at CPU. It's just me.... Depressed is a strong word but... I'm in a situation if someone were to come up to me and told me to put my chin up and pull myself together, I would actually muster up all the anger in my body and push that person off a balcony of a high rise building. It's not that easy to pull it all together and say to myself "syaitan is influencing me, I must fight their influence!" (which is totally something my mum would say by the way).
   Hence, let me conclude that my long absence was due to me feeling all of these things and trying to deal or suppress them. I'm trying to be more positive about it. I don't want to give up just yet. So as a first measure, I'm going to link this post to my tumblr page, hopefully attract the attention of people who have gone through something similar and possibly get their feedback and advice on it. I know doing this might possibly attract some hate from certain users but I'm willing to risk that as long as there are those few out there who would like to help :)
Aida
P.S
If you are my friend or an acquaintance that I have had the pleasure of knowing in the real world, I ask you to avoid bringing this up in the future. I'm currently having a difficult time trying to express this and I'm afraid that if we were to talk about this, it will leave the both of us feeling deeply uncomfortable and I might possibly cry. I don't want to ruin our conversational experience, I promise you (If you'd like) that I'll talk about this once I'm ready.

Hospital snapshots

Clint Eastwood ( a.k.a Graduation Day Post!!)

Will you look at that? Looks like I am rajin after all! Okay, so where do I start??

 So the ceremony technically started at 2pm but graduates were suppose to be there at about 11 am for briefings and photo ops. Seeing that it was a typical, humid and hot Malaysian day, I came rushing into the "prep" hall sweating and panting for breath. Thank god I wasn't in my grad gear yet but I wasn't necessarily in my best state of self so getting ready was quite a challenge. After getting ready, it finally came the time for personal photo sessions with friends and fellow graduates :)

With my pink Samsung NX 1000 in hand, I was ready to rock and roll, I just needed a friend to take my photos with..

Left;Najwa Shaiful, Middle:Sabrina Lokman, Right: Aida and her chubby ass arms...

Here we have a couple of my (*scholar) friends (I didn't have the opportunity to take pictures with all of them sadly, :'( ). I didn't really bond with them during my first semester here but thanks to the trials and tribulations of Calculus class, I had the opportunity to share a lot of memories with them. Fun fact, if the valedictorian nominations were based on the individual's actual grade instead of students votes, Sabrina would have been the chosen one because that girl is smart and hardworking as hell!! Not that I resent the chosen valedictorian. He gave a wonderful speech :3 Okay, siapa lagi?

Alright, double mais sensation! Who knew I would end up bumping into her in little old CPU?? But seriously though, how wonderful it was to have her care free no holds bar, chirpy attitude going around in that CPU building. This lovely lady whom I have had the pleasure of knowing for almost 6 years  (since sekolah menengah okay!!!) never fails to light up a room and get people talking <3 p="">

  Then it was finally 2 pm.... We were escorted to the big hall where the official ceremony were to take place. 

Sorrylah, these 3 photos were taken by my dad after I passed it to him. He had no idea on how my camera worked so most of the photos he took were pretty blurry....

So a few speeches here, a couple of special awards there, it was finally time to go get that diploma!!!

Look at me all awkward and nervous on that stage!!!Haha

After all the diplomas were given out,  there was this final candlelight vigil ceremony ( a sort of metaphorical "passing of the knowledge" ceremony of sorts) but really it was just for the purposes of a good photo op so.... again, sorry for the blurry photos, my dad has no idea how to use my camera. Then came for more personal photo sessions!

"Attack of the Giant Flower Bouquet!" My photo op with the mummies who if not for her constant encouragement, I would possibly not have graduated CPU..

"hehe! sangat excites!" The man who reluctantly obliges to my every whim (but with conditions of course). My 24:Live another day and Game of Thrones buddy :D. The parent that people say I resemble the most :P

Then came this Singaporean sunshine! This Kpop lover who I'm happy to call her my friend. The one who I constantly talk to during my second semester here and always has something to be excited about. There's just something within this cutie pie soul that makes me wanna share everything with her. If you (Uswah Mansor) happen to stumblr upon this blog in the near future, I wish you the best (like really the best) of luck in your future and I know I've probably said this a thousand times, I'm really glad I was able to make friends with you this semester :,D

Then there's Harshini Jega. The legend, the sista with all the sass knowledge that could last you a lifetime. She and I took chemistry last semester and had the opportunity to be in the same Biology and Social Science class this year! Nothing is too explicit for this girl (I mean, what do you expect? She's friends with Mais). Her humour and hard work has always motivated me to do better during my time here in CPU and I'm 100% confident she'll be successful in university!

Another Sapura friend! Ida was the first person I recognised coming here to CPU and she helped me out a lot in making sure my first few days here were bearable. This gentle little soul always has the desire to pursue great things in life but at the same time go hang with le friends. Didn't get to spend much time with her this semester but I don't love her any less. Can't believe I've known another person for 6 years! All I can say is.... keep it classy Ida B) and keep in contact! :D

This is Abhi, we shared and english class last year and is technically my tumblr buddy. The individual who gets my damaged , tumblr-polluted soul. The one who has a great understanding towards my weird sense of humour and was more than happy in welcoming me to the number of fandoms she already is a part of.

This Kazakhstani beauty is Amina! (look at her, my gawd she's gorgeous!) We shared a lot of our Advanced Functions and Calculus woes with each other. She's blunt as hell and I love her for that! She's like the very first friend I made at CPU! I had no idea she was from Kazakhstan which made things a little more awkward during that first conversation. But I'm glad she stuck with me throughout this whole time. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I think that's about it, I'll post a few more photos (that are decent) on this post just so you (fellow phantom reader) can have a feel of things on that day:

Fury oh fury

With graduation passed, it has officially come to that time feared by many fickle and hypocritical young people....

That's right, University applications....

    To be quite honest with you, I should have been applying to universities way before I graduated (which I already have.....but only to one university......reply for that application is pending). My mum presented to me the idea of directly studying overseas instead of doing a twinning programme which I think is a great opportunity but then again, there's the whole financial issue. Furthermore, the fact that I have intentions to do psychology doesn't really help since there isn't a lucrative career coming out of it, especially here in Malaysia. I have a feeling that my dad wanted me to do audiology since there are a couple of national universities here that offer that major. There are two major problems with that;

1. I have a 12th grade qualification that is from a private institution.

2.  My 12th grade qualification is technically non-existent in the world of public universities

     -what do I mean?

     -    Public uni's do accept some form of international qualification (A-levels, AUSMAT etc.) but they have no idea that one is able to obtain an Ontario Secondary School Diploma here, hence they have no clue in what the programme actually consists of.

And out of my own personal reasons (*which I will not state here), I don't really want to go to a public university here................. It scares me a lot of the kind of money we put in for tertiary education. The sacrifices we have to make, the debts we have to pay (both financially and personally) while at the same time going into a future where there might not even be a job for us anymore. I keep telling myself that there are already too many people pursuing a major for the sake of a job and I should instead pursue the kind of university major in hopes that I would end up doing what I love instead. But there are too many holes in that logic and there would be a higher possibility of me regretting everything in the end because my qualifications would render me unemployable.... I'm attempting to be positive about my prospects but it's really difficult. My dad is constantly asking me what's my proper future plans once I finish my undergraduate and I said I would hope to continue with a masters but that plan is not exactly......full proof. Moreover, that plan requires more money! That really bugs me a lot and it also doesn't help that your father keeps bringing it up. It's definitely true and important that I come up with a full proof plan and there are those times where I would think it would be easier if I just throw my hands up to my dad and tell him I'm pursuing a medical degree, but based on my personal experiences in handling high pressure situations, I'll fail miserably in that aspect. To add, based on my parent's personal experiences, architecture isn't really a career to be happy about right now. I think if you (fellow phantom reader) have read my previous posts (from like, I don't know, 2 years ago???) my beloved parents (particularly my mum in this case) haven't been technically happy with where they are for a really long time. *Takes a deep breath* Okay, that's all I have to vent for now... I really hope that I would figure something out before it's too late. 

Please don't be discouraged by my post, I'm sure there's a plan out there for everyone.

Thanks for reading ;)

aida

P.S

To any of you who are actually reading this and have a good idea on how a MARA loan works, please, for the love of god please explain it to me in the comments!!! Okay bye :3

Results are in... (CPU Graduation Transcripts)

My High School Diploma..I have a DIPLOMA!!!

my Merit Scholar's Certificate for getting over 80% average for 6 subjects......Look how shiny that little gold thingy is!!!

My final grades that I've obtained over my 6 subjects that I took

My score for my literacy test (Ontario Secondary School Literacy Test)

My transcript containing the type of distinction I got for my co-curricular activities :)

 This photo set contains the transcripts I received during graduation. I know it rarely happens but I'm pretty proud of myself. It's amazing of the things that I could learn and achieve in under 1 year. I've obtained so much and I hope to never forget it. If I'm rajin enough, I'll do a post about my Graduation day which may or may not contain little blurbs about some of the friends I've made there :) I guess that's about it. Okay bye :D

Aida

June 2014

So, I just finished my entire CPU programme (woohoo! But at the same time aww man...) and thought I would just post one or two photos I took on the last day before finals, so here they go:

getting ready for the Calculus group shot

The most awkward of the calculus class group shot

the supposed candid calculus group shot

The C&C (social science) group photo

As you guys can tell from this photo, that my C&C lecturer (Mr. Dutch) is quite the physical brute so it didn't take a lot of effort for him to win an arm wrestling competition against the students of the Period 5 C&C class

The Period 5 class still struggling to win the arm wrestling contest

That realisation over the fact that my extended family spoil the living crap outta me....

Coke Bottle

 Hello there whoever's reading this blog (probably Aqilah)! Before I start off the blog I would just like to say that you're genuinely a wonderful human being and I feel that you're really valuable in this great big world of ours :D
   Good, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I would like to tell you what's been bugging my mind like since 20 minutes ago. So let me set the (very simple) backdrop, I had someone to sign my yearbook and (s)he left me a message that said; " Everything you are striving for is already inside you, all you need to do is tap into it". I mean, (s)he wrote more than that but that's mainly the part of the message I wanted to talk about. This pretty much scared me a little because it's as if this person's already pretty much got me figured out. Don't get me wrong, I know this person meant well. The reason why the message bothers me slightly is because in all honesty, I'm seriously not sure what I'm actually striving for. I mean, I don't have any sort of desires or passions to pursue a specific career or achieve something. For those who know me would know that I've said psychology as a desired career choice but I'm only saying this to lessen the worries of those I'm close to and sadly to myself. So, to be quite honest, I really don't know what I want to do in life. The only reason I've said psychology is because I'm good at it. It won't necessarily be sufficient to fuel a career out of it. I can't help myself but always wonder if someday I would end up regretting my decision to go into a particular career path. I've always wondered if all the compromises I made for myself would finally catch up to me and I find myself in a worse personal crisis then I was in before.
    I've seen many people who had and are currently experiencing this and it always saddens me. Especially to those who have compromised so much for my sake. It is indeed true that by living life, it comes with sacrifices that we don't necessarily want to make and I accept that wholeheartedly. But I can't help but wonder what comes after those sacrifices? How does it make us feel afterwards? Which is why I've concluded that regardless of whatever I end up doing in life, I pray that I'll be satisfied and happy in the end. Although it's going to be difficult to accept it at times, I will not let my career or worldly success define me. I need to acknowledge that! In fact, everyone needs to acknowledge that! I've seen many people,in particular women who let their careers and financial success defines them as a person. Some even let marriages define them as a person too! So for all of you career women, wives,sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, ibu's, maklongs, makngahs etc. Know that your true worth is not on your materialistic success, your appearance or even your relationship status! It depends upon the way you value the experiences you are given but at the same time don't simply accept the cards that you were dealt. Make the best of it.
aida
P.S
Wow, how did this turn into a motivation post so fast ~.~

HaHa! I sound like a douche in 2008!

2008

2014 

But still keeping those song lyric blog titles eh?