Nothing here to see, Just a kid like me, Trying to cut some teeth, Trying to figure it out

Have you ever had a very weird, slightly dark, sneaking suspicion about somebody? Especially about somebody you know? Like a seemingly illogical, hypothetical situation they're supposedly going through but when you put certain things together that it might be true?

Or am I just being the paranoid, anxiety ridden kid that I always am?

Aida
P.S
I stole that gif off of tumblr and I apologise for doing that...

But we're alright though

   These last couple of weeks have been a heavy one and I've been feeling a ton of emotions about it, I won't go deep into it but basically there's been a lot of tension within the family household and I've unfortunately landed right in the middle acting as messenger for two sides. One side has been dependent on me a lot to get to the other but the other side, not really much. I admit, I was and still am feeling guilty for emitting such emotions especially since it was Ramadhan and these are the kind of emotions you're not expected to feel during that month. I'm always honest when typing out my entries and I ain't stopping now when I say I've never had the urge to go back to school like I do now. I'd rather much be worrying about my lousy assignment productivity at this point. Again, this could be also because I've been seriously lacking on my religious duties to the point that I'm probably agnostic(?). But that part of my life I'll figure it out on my own, thank you very much.

   So today, I went out and impulsively decided that I was going to get an overpriced journal where I would exclusively use it to vent out my emotions on a daily basis so I could keep myself in check and I don't end up going crazy by the end of the year. I even made a minimalist aesthetic flatlay based around it:

Also on my instagram and tumblr

I've appointed the journal and macbook as my safe haven for my emotions where it would have the least amount of impact on other people. I would be turning to these two as I can't really turn to others at this point in time. I'm also secretly real proud of myself for taking that photo, here's another one!:

  I guess that's all for now :/ toodaloo!

Aida

Permanent Vacation

Hello to the empty void!

   It's been a while since I've blogged and I simply have no other excuse but I simply grew lazy and unmotivated especially with uni and all. An update on my life, I'm currently somehow still stuck in this endless rut over what I really want to do (or should do) with my education and my life in general but I'm currently on summer vacation so I guess I'm on a break from it? My grades are due to come out on the 24th and honestly I'm not even sure if I should bother caring about it because the entire thing was really just a whole new level of half-assed effort. I made the choice to continue on with my current university and course mainly because I really have no idea where else to go. It's scary and bleak in the way I've just put my situation in but for some strange reason, I have a strange sense of hope that I am able to make it through this, that I would find the desire to achieve and be ambitious and strive again. 

May Allah provide me with that hope

Hoping against hope,
Aida :)

P.S
I kind of want to do a mini editorial of myself wearing all the stuff I bought while I was in Bandung but my camera is broken and I don't want to tell my dad that it is and I don't have enough of my own money to get it fixed so....to be continued

She wants to dance like Uma Thurman

Hello non-existent reader,
  I've tried to type out a proper blog post for months giving an organised look at my progress in university life but I usually get frustrated in the midst of typing and I just ended up reblogging stuff on tumblr. I've come to the conclusion that I just don't blog like a regular person that is capable of effectively organising their thoughts into a single post and talk about the wonderful, positive steps their taking in ridding themselves of their negativity.I have come to the conclusion that I'm generally very disorganised and that is when I am at my best/worst (it's sort of like a double edged-sword thing, idk), so I'm typing this out in that way so here it goes.

    I'm a mess, I'm frustrated, impatient and very angry of my current situation. And no, I am not taking the proper steps in handling this. I don't want to, because I'm stuck in my state of imagination and ideal-ness inside my head and my ipod is my portal to that world (meta much? god...). This life I imagined in my head for some reason is stopping me for doing what's right for myself, it's preventing me from properly living because I know whatever I do, I can never meet the desires and expectations I've built up in my mind and I hate myself for that. I mean I don't want to die but I don't want to live either. I guess I just want to be in some sort of stagnant existence I guess....Just do the things I'm suppose to do in life (get a degree, have a job, keep hygenic, idk...) while I keep on building higher and more ridiculous fantasy hypothetical situations for myself. My mum has asked about the contents of these fantasies I keep having but I feel embarrassed and choose not to talk about it with her because their fucking ridiculous. 
    It's funny too, because I have these ideas and expectations for myself that I don't actually have any desire to truly fulfil. Like for instance I've always wanted to learn how to play guitar but I never really had the motivation and patience for it. I hear all these artists being self-taught and I tell myself "I can do that!"but I just give up because I became impatient. But in my head I swear, I'm some kind of multi-instrumentalist prodigy goddess in the greatest rock band to ever live...
  I've only decided to type this out now because today's the first day of the second semester and I've gotten to realise how distant I am with what's actually going on. Then I went to go see the counsellor and that really made me nervous because I was doing my best to not say so much so I don't end up crying. I was really dying to tell her that I was really unhappy of the programme I'm in and reconsidering about leaving but in doing that I would've ended up crying so I didn't.... I went to the library and I just couldn't hold it in anymore so here I am in the third floor library toilet typing this out blaring The Essential Backstreet Boys to comfort me.

So yeah....